done, but not forgotten
it's taken me nearly four weeks to write this post. I think in some ways I didn't want to admit that it was all over - that it is actually all over - and also there were too many feelings to digest (burp!).
so, without further ado, HERE IS MY LAST POST (*crowd roars*)!
on my last day on secondment, I cried (no surprises there, huh, you guys know now that I am a big softie). but the thing was, I could not for the life of you tell you why I was crying. it was just too deep, yo.
that last day, there was some combination of: (i) saying goodbye to some of the best people I'd ever met (I still miss all of you gorgeous creatures); (ii) knowing a really amazing time in my life was over; (iii) going back to the reality of being lonely again; and (iv) a WHOLE BUNCH of feels that I couldn't even wade through.
let's start with numbers one and two (as good a place as any). I was so lucky to have spent my time up north with beautiful people, who so got me straight away that I didn't even need to waste time explaining myself. for that experience, I need to thank all of you, because being truly seen by new friends is a special time that just warms the coldest parts of my little heart. that, and achieving an outcome all on my own. now that was a great feeling. because I'd never just gone out and attempted a project like that on my own AND TO SUCCEED was a boost to my ego that I totes needed and also perf timing.
now for three. when I got home, I was so lonely. it had been a year (nearly exactly to the day) since the breakup that caused me to read the book that started this here bloggo. (not that I needed a boy - because, feminism, Beyonce, etc - to solve my problems or even make me feel good). coming home I felt lonely because there was no one to tell my amazing stories to!
and almost four weeks later I have finally come to understand that lonely feeling. as well as why I felt a tonne of other variations on sad, lost, scared, confused and whatever-the-opposite-of-belongong-is (that combo meal is number four if you're still counting).
I've always tied my self-worth to having a lovely, fun, smart boy in my life who (most importantly) thinks that I am the bees-knees. Blame Disney, the romantic era, other women, or whatever BS you want. But over the last few weeks I've realised I didn't ever need a boy in my life (I mean I want one, but I also want a PA and I'm not going to get that am I?). and I especially don't need someone who doesn't want me.
there is so much to look forward to and get done in life. all the adventures I'm going to have across this country (and the world) and so many more deep conversations that I am yet to have with people whose hearts I will adore. life is just too short for me to spend time chasing boys who don't care. life is for me. and I am going to be the best me I can.